Oh.

 

Its Valentine's Day.

 

Haven't had a Valentine in years.

 

Don't really like this "holiday". 

 

I think I'll skip it again this year.

 

*goes back to bed*

 

That's it. That's the blog.

 

Kenneth L. Waters, Jr.

Technical Director for We Thr3e Queens Productions.

So the season of love is once again upon us. This time, though, you’re also actively working to de-gender your language. It could be because you’re dating a non-binary person, or just because you want to be a better ally to non-binary people. Regardless of the reason, this non-binary person is here to help you navigate the language of love in a gender-agnostic way. 

For those unfamiliar, the term “gender-agnostic” refers to rejection of things (typically language) that are connected to the traditional gender binary (the outdated, socially conditioned idea that there are two genders and two genders only: male and female). So much of the English language is inherently gendered, and the gender binary is an archaic social construct we just don’t have a need for anymore, and which can actively harm and exclude members of the transgender community. It can be difficult to unlearn all that social programming and find gender-agnostic alternatives to certain words and titles. That’s where I come in! In this blog, I’m going to list some typically-gendered language used in love and relationship contexts and give you, dear reader, gender-agnostic alternatives. 

Titles

Partner

The word “Partner” is one of the most useful gender-agnostic terms when talking about love and relationships. It can take the place of Husband, Wife, Boyfriend or Girlfriend! If you’re of the Polyamorous persuasion, this word can also be pluralized to reference multiple partners!

Spouse

“I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife.” Anyone who’s been to a cisgender, heterosexual marriage ceremony has likely heard that phrase before. Thankfully, the English language already has a gender-agnostic alternative to these terms in the word “Spouse”! 

Datefriend/Datemate

Let’s say you’re talking to or about your special someone and want a term slightly less formal than “Partner” or “Spouse”. The non-binary community developed the words “Datemate” or “Datefriend” expressly for this purpose!  

Person

If the phrase “my partner” isn’t quite right, you can always simply say, “my person.”

This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means. Lover, Significant Other, and many more titles also happen to be gender-agnostic. You may even come up with your own title for one another that’s unique to you! 

 

Terms of Endearment

Now that we’ve covered some titles, let’s do a rapid-fire short list of terms of endearment that are considered gender-agnostic:

-Honey

-Sweetie

-Babe/Baby

-Boo

-Little Nip

(From Reddit user queerandbarelyhere, who said: “[M]y lovely partner calls me his ‘little nip’ – ‘nip’ standing for ‘nothing in particular’ (when he asked me what I’d feel comfortable being labelled as gender-wise in pet names, I said ‘nothing in particular’”.))

As we discussed with titles, this is far from an exhaustive list, and you and your significant other can even come up with your own terms of endearment together!

Consent is Key

The best way to figure out what a non-binary person would prefer to be called is to ask them! The conversation can begin as simply as, “You are very special to me and I’d love to have a way of addressing you that reflects how I feel about you. What complements/titles/pet names do you prefer?” 

Affirmation and validation are the most touching gifts you could give your transgender or non-binary partner this Valentine’s Day. Even if your partner isn’t a member of the trans community, removing outdated, gendered language from your romantic vocabulary is a great way to show allyship to trans people by normalizing gender-agnostic language. 

Now get out there and sweep your partner off their feet! Have a happy and safe Valentine’s Day. 

 

Finn Coy-Gresavage

Marketing Director for We Thr3e Queens Productions

It’s easy to get locked into old habits and behaviors that are inadequate when it comes to supporting people and populations affected by discrimination. Though it is rarely easy, it’s important to break those habits. Here’s a short guide on how to UNLOCK being a good ally to those most in need of one.

 

Understand privilege.

    Do you have full function of all five of your senses? Do other people assume you are white? Do you not have to worry about your marriage being invalidated by a vote by 9 people? Privilege comes in many forms. Privilege is different from luxury. Privilege is not just having money (although it certainly is a privilege to have money). Privilege is not having to consider an aspect of yourself impeding your ability to pursue your goals. Understand that those aspects you do not need to navigate are daily considerations for others, and negotiating those considerations can be a constant, exhausting endeavor.

 

Normalize interrupting discriminatory behaviors.

    When you witness overt or covert prejudice, discrimination, and antagonization of marginalized individuals in your life, what do you normally do? Many people feel they can tell these behaviors when they see or hear them, and in overt instances, that is probably true. Ideally in those instances, allies will not feel uncomfortable speaking up against them. However, when racism, ableism, sexism, or other prejudiced behaviors are more insidious (think: microaggressions) speaking up against them becomes more uncomfortable. If we make an effort to normalize correcting these behaviors, that discomfort will diminish, and we can move toward making spaces more inclusive and equitable.

 

Listen to those who don’t share your privilege.

    It is not the responsibility of any person from any particular group to tell people how to treat them. However, when they do speak up, it is our duty as allies to listen to what they are saying, hear their discomfort, and accept it as their truth. If your truth and their truth don’t seem in sync with each other, don’t be surprised. This is normal (especially when you are first becoming conscientious of the weighty responsibility of being an ally). When you start to feel guilty for something you said or did (or even for something someone else said or did), resist your defensive instinct, and recognize how painful the behavior must have been for them (and/or how much the person must have trusted that you’d listen) in order for them to speak up.

 

Open yourself up to accepting criticism.

    When listening to people speaking up about how your or others’ actions are discriminatory, do so without excuses. (Fair warning: YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THIS!) Remember that what matters is your impact, not your intentions.

    A lot of what makes this so uncomfortable is the idea of the “Good/Bad” dichotomy. Robin DiAngelo explains it very well in her book White Fragility. Her focus is race, however the idea of the Good/Bad dichotomy applies to most (if not all) forms of discrimination. It goes something like this:

    - We recognize that racism is bad, and so not being racist is good.

    - We consider ourselves to be good people, and do not want to be bad people.

    - We believe that to engage in racist behavior one must be a bad person. (the mental trap is set…)

    - We know ourselves to be good people, therefore the behavior couldn’t have been racist (...and the trap is sprung).

    You see how that trap works? The Good/Bad dichotomy explains why we get sooooo uncomfortable talking about our flawed behavior. What is important to realize is that you can be a good person who makes mistakes, but it is critical to listen when people explain how your actions’ impact is hurtful, and make an effort to change those behaviors.

 

Consider other people’s perspectives and if your actions could hurt them.

    As I mentioned before, it is not the responsibility of any person from any particular group to tell people how to treat them.

    “But how am I to know how I’m supposed to act if they don’t tell me!?!”

    A few things to that:

    - “Political Correctness” needs a rebranding campaign as “Consideration.” It’s a lot harder for people to say they don’t want to be considerate than politically correct, when in fact, they are the same thing.

    - Consideration is mentally reviewing the impact your actions may have on people. (Remember, intention doesn’t affect other people, impact does). If a person (or group of people) may be hurt by your behavior, it is crucial that you ask yourself (before doing it) if it is necessary, and/or if there is a way to do it that does not have a hurtful impact.

    - Desmond Tutu famously said “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” When we are in situations where there is an oppressed population, and a non-oppressed, or oppressive group, it is our duty as allies to support the oppressed group because in their world, over which we have some impact, they are being wronged.

 

Keep up-to-date on current events and how they might affect marginalized groups.

    Our world is ever-changing, and it is easy for us to fall into habits of only keeping track of what affects us. Over the past year we have felt it all the more in having to nearly fight each other for things like toilet paper, public services, and vaccines.

    Rarely are situations a zero-sum scenario – if you are unfamiliar with that term, it’s a good one to wrap your head around. The illusion of zero-sum scenarios in situations in which they do not exist has led to much of the systemic racism, ablism, gender-discrimination, and other forms of marginalization that pervade our culture.

    As groups and individuals try to use these and other arguments to reduce, remove, or regulate the rights of marginalized people, we must all pay attention. Such gestures by lawmakers as removing rights of transgender people matter. Gestures are signals to their constituents. Calls for “law and order,” when the oppressor is the law, are statements declaring that the oppressed are getting out-of-hand and need to be “whipped into shape…” It’s hard to consider that phrase without considering who is being “whipped…”

    It’s easy to pay attention to that which only affects you, but how can you support those to whom you declare yourself allied, if you don’t know what threatens them?

 

Remember: Black, Brown, Indigenous, Women’s, Transgender, Disability, Immigrant, and LGBQIA+ rights are human rights. UNLOCK to be a good ally.

 

 

Gary Bernard DiNardo

Executive Director for We Thr3e Queens Productions

 

“We Do not remember days, we remember moments.”  ~ Cesare Pavese

It is very easy to get lost in all the heaviness and horrifying stories of the Holocaust.  We have learned about this dark moment in history in school, movies, books, art, and theatre.  Each story reveals a hidden depth to the evil expressed during this dark time.

Gay men, forced to wear a pink triangle, were just one of the many minorities incarcerated in these death camps.  They were given the worst of jobs, most involving moving or breaking rocks, received the worst treatment and unfortunately killed in the most humiliating ways. 

It’s easy to instantly start talking about these dark moments.  I can write MANY blogs just on the previous paragraph alone!

No one wants to read a blog on that.  Although these stories of lives lost are important to tell, I don’t want to write a blog about that. I want to write about hope.

 

“Where there's hope, there's life. It fills us with fresh courage and makes us strong again.” ~ Anne Frank

 

The lives that lived though, along with those that were lost, the Holocaust survived because of Hope.  They survived on the idea that the world could be a better place.  These brave individuals inspired the next generation to carry the torch and pass on the light that is hope.

This beacon of light kept being passed down, through the generations, to inspire future LGBTQ heros to fight for justice and equality.  This spark of fire inspired future LGBTQ hero’s like Harvey Milk, Marsh P. Johnson, Sylvie Stevens, Ellen DeGeneres, Anderson Cooper, and MORE!

Even now in 2021 we are still faced with individuals/groups who want to abolish minorities and wash away all the beauty and magic in the world. We must not give up though.

We must survive and prevail and fight for a better future.  If not for us then for those lives lost before us.  We must fight to keep that glimmer of hope alive. 

Therefor today, on International Holocaust Rememberance Day, I would like to dedicate this blog to those souls lost, childhoods stolen, and individuals who survived the Holocaust. 

Thank you for sacrificing EVERYTHING so I can live the life I do today.  Thank you for fighting and surviving so we can live on.  Thank you for keeping the glimmer of Hope alive.

 

Sean Michael Fraser

Artistic Director for We Thr3e Queens Productions

You might recognize me as the one who brought the Bi to the VisiBIlity Show back in August (sorry—I’ve been carrying that pun around with me for a while and had to get it out). Anyway, my name is Jennifer Lee and I can’t even express to you how giddy I am to get to work with We Thr3e Queens Productions. 

I first realized that I wasn’t totally straight when I was around 23 years old. In hindsight, I should have known earlier. I had some female friends that I was fiercely protective of for no reason (Dear Younger Jenn—those were crushes, you absolute dope). I could never really picture what my future spouse was going to look like (Dear YJ—because your little bi brain couldn’t decide on what gender to make them). And I really liked wearing leather jackets and sitting in chairs in strange ways (Dear YJ—some of the bi stereotypes are true).

I’ve thought a lot about why I didn’t realize it sooner and I think it all comes down to representation. I lived in a liberal household with wonderful parents. My mom’s best friends were two gay men who were around all the time and I loved them to death but apparently, we never spoke about them being together and what it meant. I still remember the lightbulb moment when a family friend asked my mom how they were doing—“That gay couple.” Suddenly, it made sense why they lived together and were together all the time. I was in middle school. 

But I didn’t know any WLW. I didn’t see them on TV. Girls kissing girls was something done for male enjoyment, so if I wanted to kiss a girl…that didn’t mean anything, right? I did theatre in school and was around gay men all the time. I understood that. But I didn’t understand what my feelings could mean because I didn’t see it around me. I was actually pretty biphobic myself. I remember being kind of a dick to a female friend of mine who told me she would be open to dating a woman. So…oops.

Then I saw the movie Kissing Jessica Stein. And then I watched The L Word. Then Callie came out as bi on Grey’s Anatomy. Representation, while not always perfect, started popping up and my own lightbulb went on.

I can honestly say that I’ve rarely come out to anyone in a large profound way. I find myself coming out in small ways all over the place, which I’ve done from the beginning and I still do to this day. It’s almost harder now that I’m married to a woman. I’m sure everyone that I’ve corrected by saying, “Actually, my wife” after they mention my husband then assumes I’m a lesbian. I don’t correct that part of it, but it does feel a little inauthentic to myself and my identity. (Although I do enjoy when I get to tell people, “I’m not a lesbian. But my wife is.”)

At the end of the day, being bi is probably the least interesting thing about me. At the same time, it is a part of me and I know how important it is for me to remember that and celebrate it.

I’m so excited to bring my experience and perspective to We Thr3e Queens. We have some amazing things in the works, so stay tuned!

 

 

Jennifer Lee

Project Manager